45 years ago I was sexually abused by an older brother. It was then that I developed a deep-set anger which I pushed deep down into my subconscious. I am blogging now to help others that have been down this dark road, to bring them to a different level of awareness. I am on a continual journey and I'd like to bring you on the journey, where-ever you are on this road, come walk down the path of healing with me....
I grew up in a family of 9 - yep, that's 4 boys and 3 girls, and my mom and dad. I was smack dab in the middle of a perfectly planned family of first a boy, girl, boy, girl (me), boy, girl, boy. The oldest boy was the abuser. My dad, being a pastor, was very busy with his work and helping other people. My mom, well - she was stretching herself thin trying to take care of her brood. On the outside our family looked very normal.....a pastors family, walking to church every Sunday morning and evening, devotions at dinner, church activities and all the trimmings. However, inside the family it was a different story for me. I don't know quite when the abuse started, or exactly how long it lasted - maybe I was from the ages of 6 to 9. I do know that I felt totally unsafe, scared, traumatized and unloved. I felt like my life was out of control.
My brother had an anger problem. I was afraid if I said anything he would beat me up or hurt me. So I complied, unwillingly. I got up the nerve to tell my Mom as she was in the kitchen that my brother was "picking on me". She simply said "well stay away from him then". I told her this a number of times and it fell on deaf ears. You see, my mom was too busy to really listen to me. I started to become very angry at my mom, subconsciously too. You see, I didn't think she loved me. If she loved me - wouldn't she listen to me? If she really loved me wouldn't she ever ask me to do something - with just her - just once?
A lot of work fell on my older sister, she took the role as "care giver" of my mom and her large workload. I found that a lot of my older sister's anger fell on me growing up. There was no way I could buy her love with candybars, or make her like me. She was jealous of me, and I was her scapegoat. Many times she told me that she hated me. Mom would tell all of us kids that my older sister was an "angel" and that we should be more like her....talk about mixed messages. My older sister tried to do everything she could to make my life miserable. Sometimes I felt that the emotional abuse I suffered from her was almost as bad as the physical abuse from my brother. My older sister would tell my younger sister that she should hate me too, and often the two of them would pair up against me. I think that's called Triangulation. Is that a word?
It's getting late.....to be continued.....
